Friday, September 2, 2011


expectation |ˌekspekˈtā sh ən|
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future : reality had not lived up to expectations | an expectation that the government will provide the resources | he drilled his men in expectation of a Prussian advance.
• a belief that someone will or should achieve something : students had high expectations for their future.

I always have this feeling that I'm just one step (or one none-step) away from letting myself and everyone around me down. I choose to blame my traditional upbringing for it. Calvanism can be a bitch, you know? Besides, blaming my upbringing is a lot easier than admitting to my own insecurities.

My sense of impending doom is further compounded by what I see all around me. Whether it be true or not, it feels like I'm expected to be balanced, happy, healthy, a non-smoker, a social drinker at most, fit, good at relationships, a good friend, a good daughter and sister, a productive and happy worker. I'm expected to have good manners and social graces, to never put my foot in my mouth, to quote Usher to be "a lady in the street and a freak in the bed." I'm even expected to have good fashion sense.

This used to bug me until a couple of minutes ago, but things are a-changin'. I have had enough.

I'm adopting a new attitude towards the things I am expected to do/be/not do/not be. I will call this attitude Fuck It. I'm here. I'm queer. I'm feeling quite severe. Mostly because I'm not really queer. This rhyme ends here.

What I'm trying to say is I'm done apologising for who and what I am, for the decisions I make. The plan is not to become a horrible person. I will still try to be good and fair and honest and all the other things that my mommy taught me, but I'm hereby giving myself permission to give myself a break. I'm not gonna kick ass and take names, because that's not how I do. I will continue to wear jeans all the time, because that is how I do.

Hi everyone! I'm Kristia. I'm okay with it.

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