Dread and reverence

fear |fi(ə)r|
noun
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat : drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder | fear of increasing unemployment | he is prey to irrational fears.
archaic a mixed feeling of dread and reverence : the love and fear of God.

Often a cruel hand holds my heart. To cope I think of the Free State in winter, of the blazing Karoo heat, of the ocean, of trains, of floating in a pool in the summer of my youth. More than anything I think of leaving. I think of a road that could take me away from myself and everything I know. I never leave, of course, but the road stays. In my head I go away. Sometimes I don't come back.