Beauty

beauty |ˈbyoōtē|
noun ( pl. -ties)
1 a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, esp. the sight : I was struck by her beauty | an area of outstanding natural beauty.

In my heart I write you a letter every day. I tell you about all the places that I want to show you. I describe all the sights we'll see together. I tell you how much I love holding your hand. I describe the way you looked last night when you didn't know I was watching: how the light in the mirror caught the line of your jaw, how it made me tremble.

I write about the morning light through the window of your room. I tell you about the summer that we'll share, about the walks we'll take, about the things we'll touch. I write a description of every beautiful photograph I've ever seen because I want to share all the beauty in my life with you.

Sobriety

sobriety |səˈbrīətē; sō-|
noun
the state of being sober : the price of beer compelled me to maintain a certain level of sobriety.
• the quality of being staid or solemn.

You'll know exactly what I'm talking about if it's ever happened to you. You spend weeks or months or years of your life with someone. You share your hopes and dreams, you lose yourself in another person's body, you share your fears and desires, your sadness, you allow yourself to be exactly who you are. Your concept of love is based entirely on that relationship.

But then you wake up. You know that you have seen something that you'll never not see again. You'll carry that sobriety with you for the rest of your life.

Perfect

perfect
adjective |ˈpərfikt|
1 having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be : she strove to be the perfect wife | life certainly isn't perfect at the moment.

I knew that my birthday would be amazing, but I had absolutely no idea just how amazing amazing could be. It's day one of my planned four day celebration, and things are getting retarded in here. I've been documenting most of it in pictures, so instead of a boring wordy post, I'll just show you.

This was waiting for me in the office when I got in this morning. I was the excite!

This was inside one of the packages, wrapped in brown paper just the way I like it!
It's a notebook, in case you were wondering.

A little personal touch. Love it!

Postcards of communist posters from 100 years ago, all the way from Cracow. Neat-o!
All of this, plus the flowers and two ginger bread people from my cousin and her shiny new fiancé!

A bunch of my favourite flowers in the whole world from my special friend. Yes, I mean it in that way. 

A box of roses from my peeps at the office. I've always wanted a box of roses. Made me feel like a movie star. They also sent me a little message for each flower. It was super special!

My desk by 10:00

A flaming doughnut and a song from my flaming hot cousin.

And just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any better, the girls surprised me with lunch at 44 Stanley! My heart skipped a beat. There were balloons and more flowers. Yes, kids. FOUR bunches of flowers! 

See? I told you!

and THEN I got more presents! No kidding!

Flowers, balloons, presents, ribbons and crazy hair, all in one picture. Yes, that just happened to your brain!

That wasn't even the best part! I was super bummed because Jacques and Carla are in Cape Town for the week and they couldn't be here. Luckily for me, they found a way to attend (with a little help from the girls)

Then we had some wine and Carina could finally share her engagement story with the rest of the girls. There were a whole lot of 'Aaaaw!' and 'Aaaaah!'s.

Still the engagement story. The best part is, this might be the wedding venue!

This is why you should have friends with skills. Thanks Rooms!

Post-lunch pick-me-up. Almost too pretty to drink. Almost.

But then I tripped, fell, and it was in my belly!

Tonight I'm cooking risotto for a growing number of friends. Expect more pics tomorrow.

Happy birthday to me!

Release

release |riˈlēs|
verb [ trans. ]
1 allow or enable to escape from confinement; set free : the government announced that the prisoners would be released.

It's quite amazing what a mind shift can do. For better or worse, sometimes a fleeting decision can change the entire composition of a person's life. It takes one comment to shatter a relationship, it takes one confession to build one. Merely entertaining two ideas can turn a whole life inside out, upside down. It's a fanfare, kids. It's a hallelujah.

Closer

close 1 |klōs|
adjective
1 a short distance away or apart in space or time : the hotel is close to the sea | her birthday and her wedding date were close together | why don't we go straight to the shops, as we're so close? | the months of living in close proximity to her were taking their toll.

I managed to drown my birthday week sorrows last night. I stupidly chased a bottle of wine with some vodka and then had a serious drunken conversation that I didn't have the courage to have while sober. For some reason I'm so afraid of owning up to my emotions. I need to work on that.

27 approaches. I'm very excited. I have a feeling this year will be filled with love. I mean the romantic kind, not the kind I already have. I think I'm ready for it.

I also think the coming year will be full of adventure. I booked a ticket to New Zealand yesterday. There'll be weddings and funerals and many, many dinners.

Two more sleeps!

Resist

resist |riˈzist|
verb [ trans. ]
withstand the action or effect of : antibodies help us to resist infection.

Sometimes the hardest part is just accepting our own happiness.

Train

train |trān|
noun
1 a series of railroad cars moved as a unit by a locomotive or by integral motors : a freight train | the journey took two hours by train.
It's day one of my birthday week. I have this odd desire to be on a train. It's probably the idea of movement that ageing evokes. Every year I go through the same stages of ageing:
1. Looking back
It usually starts with a fleeting and completely innocent thought about my previous birthday. "Oh, yeah. The girls came over. We had mojitos at my house." That inevitably leads to thinking about the events around that time, which leads to thinking about all the things that can happen in a year. That leads to some serious stock taking. Who is still around? Who isn't? How many bridges burnt are worth mending? How many friends proved themselves invaluable? How much sorrow? How much joy? How many potentially life-changing decisions? How many outright mistakes? How many breathtaking moments?
2. Sorrow
I'll let The National explain: Sorrow found me when I was young. Sorrow waited, sorrow won. Sorrow they put me on the pill. It's in my honey, it's in my milk.
3. Elation
Every year I take time to say goodbye to a bunch of people and things in my life, and to appreciate the things that are amazing. This year has honestly been the best year of my life so far. From September last year to now so many painful things have happened, but every negative experience was countered with wonderful things that made me feel like I matter to those around me. I try my best not to forget it.

4. Gratitude
I am a lucky person. I am loved and I am happy. I take time to remember all of that before my birthday. I also try to give thanks where it's due.
5. Celebration
One more year on earth, one more spring, more friends, more love, more time to do good, to be better, to try harder, to accept, to change. It's a beautiful thing.
Happy birthday week to me!

Linger

linger |ˈli ng gər|
verb [ intrans. ]
stay in a place longer than necessary, typically because of a reluctance to leave : she lingered in the yard, enjoying the warm sunshine | she let her eyes linger on him suggestively.
• ( linger over) spend a long time over (something) : she lingered over her meal.
• be slow to disappear or die : the tradition seems to linger on | we are thankful that she didn't linger on and suffer.

I love how kids take time to inspect things.  My friend's baby was so fascinated by my shirt the other day that the television, a bunch of toys and a cat couldn't distract him. I don't blame him, of course. It is a fantastic shirt.

I forget to sit still sometimes. I forget to pay attention to what's going on around me. When I do, the things I take for granted tend to blow mind - a song that I love, my cat's paw in the morning light, the view from my window, my best friend's hair, my mother's feet, my dad at work, my guitar, the smell of onions frying in butter.

Maybe I'll let myself linger a little longer this summer. Maybe I'll see what's right in front of me.

Freedom

freedom |ˈfrēdəm|
noun
the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint : we do have some freedom of choice | he talks of revoking some of the freedoms.

People are motivated by different things. For instance, you might be motivated by posts that don't start with terribly bland and obvious opening lines like people are motivated by different things. Who knows?

Because I'm a pain in the ass over-analyser it didn't take very long to figure out that I'm motivated by freedom. I need to be able to move - physically, emotionally, in my opinions and my character. I crave constant change because the ability to turn my life upside down makes me feel like I've achieved a degree of the most beautiful and elusive of all things - freedom.

Because it's spring and my brain is starting to break out of its cocoon, I'm noticing that my definition of freedom has changed in certain respects. This excites me greatly. What greater freedom could I enjoy than the freedom to change my opinions?

Here's to freedom, friends!

Wanderlust

wanderlust |ˈwändərˌləst|
noun
a strong desire to travel : a man consumed by wanderlust.

The weather is lovely now. The sky is clear and blue, a slight breeze plays through jasmine buds outside, the smell of youth and hope floats through open windows, the sun catches that particular sapling green so beautifully.

I am overwhelmed by a desire to be outside, to see everything the world has to offer. I can think of nothing but the grass under my bare feet, an afternoon under a tree, of getting on a train/plane, of setting forth, of meeting fresh faces, of sharing stories about other summers.

Listen to this. Travel with me. 

Dread and reverence

fear |fi(ə)r|
noun
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat : drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder | fear of increasing unemployment | he is prey to irrational fears.
archaic a mixed feeling of dread and reverence : the love and fear of God.

Often a cruel hand holds my heart. To cope I think of the Free State in winter, of the blazing Karoo heat, of the ocean, of trains, of floating in a pool in the summer of my youth. More than anything I think of leaving. I think of a road that could take me away from myself and everything I know. I never leave, of course, but the road stays. In my head I go away. Sometimes I don't come back.

Expectation

expectation |ˌekspekˈtā sh ən|
noun
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future : reality had not lived up to expectations | an expectation that the government will provide the resources | he drilled his men in expectation of a Prussian advance.
• a belief that someone will or should achieve something : students had high expectations for their future.

I always have this feeling that I'm just one step (or one none-step) away from letting myself and everyone around me down. I choose to blame my traditional upbringing for it. Calvanism can be a bitch, you know? Besides, blaming my upbringing is a lot easier than admitting to my own insecurities.

My sense of impending doom is further compounded by what I see all around me. Whether it be true or not, it feels like I'm expected to be balanced, happy, healthy, a non-smoker, a social drinker at most, fit, good at relationships, a good friend, a good daughter and sister, a productive and happy worker. I'm expected to have good manners and social graces, to never put my foot in my mouth, to quote Usher to be "a lady in the street and a freak in the bed." I'm even expected to have good fashion sense.

This used to bug me until a couple of minutes ago, but things are a-changin'. I have had enough.

I'm adopting a new attitude towards the things I am expected to do/be/not do/not be. I will call this attitude Fuck It. I'm here. I'm queer. I'm feeling quite severe. Mostly because I'm not really queer. This rhyme ends here.

What I'm trying to say is I'm done apologising for who and what I am, for the decisions I make. The plan is not to become a horrible person. I will still try to be good and fair and honest and all the other things that my mommy taught me, but I'm hereby giving myself permission to give myself a break. I'm not gonna kick ass and take names, because that's not how I do. I will continue to wear jeans all the time, because that is how I do.

Hi everyone! I'm Kristia. I'm okay with it.

Water

water |ˈwôtər; ˈwä-|
noun
1 a colorless, transparent, odorless, tasteless liquid that forms the seas, lakes, rivers, and rain and is the basis of the fluids of living organisms.

I spend an inordinate amount of time in water. I love swimming, sometimes I take baths just because I'm bored. When I grow up I would love to live next to the water. That line always makes me think of this song: (Sit through the initial yak yak. Worth it.)



Not exactly the point of the post, but I don't really care. I'll think of it anyway.